Copyright (c) 2008 Phillip Booker
This article will provide you with some basic divorce advice. Did you want advice, to know about my personal fight, or did you visit this article to discover what was meant by… And Sex?
I’ll get the sex bit out of the way first. We need sex and yearn for sex, this is nothing more than our bodies tell us every day. But the whole separation and eventual divorce scenario puts that sex on hold. There will be a few among us who find no difficulty in introducing sex back into their life immediately. But the majority; including myself find that difficult to manipulate, create, tempt or even buy.
So yes… Sex becomes a difficult subject. The older we are when we separate the more difficult the sex becomes. Those in their twenties remain vibrant in personality and have a better success rate with one night stands. I’ve never been one for one night stands, but under these desperate circumstances, the alternative is thought of regularly.
So here is my advice… Accept that sex maybe two years away; anything sooner is a bonus. Psychologically this helps your mind-set. Acceptance is the first step to tolerating your desires. When you are actively trying to date after separation, the pressure is horrendous; as you know some of the expected conversation will be about your impending divorce.
Forget sex and dating, this will take the pressure off. If by chance it happens then that is fine. For many though sex needs to happen in a relationship, especially women. For women to enjoy sex there must be an emotional release to experience the finer points of making love.
For men the hurdle is more physical; and women emotional. Either way the yearning doesn’t stop. My own journey was personal satisfaction to rid the yearning. This takes the heat out of my yearning for a few days, a tricky subject to talk about, but nonetheless a necessary requirement.
If you set your stall out for sex within a month of separation, and then don’t achieve that goal, you become disappointed and will possibly slide into a depression. Try to keep smiling and as your face lights up with the smile the opposite sex will be attracted to it. Be duly warned that expectation of sex can lead to sadness, frustration and probable depression.
It is a similar to building a house; you need to start with the foundations. A smile is the foundation of being attractive.
As I now leave sex and move on to other aspects of divorce, may I offer you one final piece of advice? Allow yourself an hour a day to wallow in your misery. Once that hour is up, pick yourself up, brush down and be ready to face the world again with a positive attitude. This hour will decrease as time moves on.
There is a great life that lays head after divorce. You will be able to move on with your life. You can get up and move to a new place and start a new life. Some people will do just that. They will change jobs, they will refinance, and they will begin to date again. Just because the divorce is done and is final, this doesn’t mean that you have gone through all the steps. You still have to pick up the pieces and try to move on. It’s hard for many to move on because they have spent so much time with that person and it can be hard to break up someone who doesn’t want to. There are many feelings that you will go through, however you will find there is a lot of hope that lies in the bounds of the aftermath.
Divorce is something that no one wants to face. It is however a complicated situation that many people have to find the strength to get through. Sometimes there are hard feelings between the two couples and sometimes the couple will still get along well. It is hard to tell what is going to happen and sometimes you just have to see how it goes. The ball is in your court and you need to make the best choices that you can.
It will be a difficult time following a divorce, that you can be sure of. You may have to start from nothing. You will have new views, new goals, a new life. You can leave everything behind or you can build yourself back up. Some people just find it easier to leave everything than truly deal with anything. It is a hassle to go through a divorce and the alimony can make you need to get another job. You will find there are so many aspects of divorce that can cause you to take up drinking, but then there are so many more solutions that you can apply to make things better. You can improve situations by going for an important job that you didn’t want to take because of your family. You have nothing holding you back. You can redo everything your way. You don’t have to worry about pleasing anyone but yourself.
For sure; once you are divorced, you do not need to be having an relationship or anything intimate with your ex. This is not something that is wise because of the issues that will come with it. You want to break your ties so you are free and able to move on easily to better and bigger friendships and relationships.
You will want to remain friendly with your former wife or husband. This is for obvious reasons. As life runs smoother, you will find it to be a lot easier accomplishing tasks. Don’t be too kind or too hurtful, neither will do you any good. You do not want to get involved with the complicity of having sex with your ex when you are trying to rebuild your life and make something better for your future.
Now I do recall on two occasions having sex with my ex-girlfriends. But having sex with your ex-wife has a deeper cut to heal. The sex with my ex-girlfriends was good, but the difference is that you can walk away from that experience and it has no repercussions. Whereas sex with your ex-wife or ex-husband has both an implication of an unfinished relationship, or it has desperation written all over it. Either way the mental anguish the starts to unfold the day after, can be too much to understand and interpret.
When you are trying to rebuild your life, you want to do the right moves, with proper thought and planning. You need to make the right choices for you and you family so that you are not putting anyone’s well-being at risk. This will also include your ex. When you are still carrying on an intimate relationship with your ex partner, you will find that you may be setting either one of you up for a big fall. This is not something that you should be doing at this stage of the game.
A divorce is something that can be complicated and when you are combining sex with your ex, you are only making the situation more complicated. You need to make sure that you are severing these ties and making it clear that you are not interested in this part of your life any more. What you need of course is to make sure of this before you file for divorce.
Although it is important, having a physical relationship is not the only thing that matters with a marriage. All the other segments need to be present to. As I’m talking about divorce, I see little reason on dwelling on aspects of a good marriage. That is a separate article altogether.
There are so many complications to worry about when you are trying to rebuild your life after a divorce. You do not want to have to deal with too much when you already have so much on your plate. You want to be careful and make the wise decisions that you know you can make. You have to be willing to let the physical side of your relationship go so you can free your mind and body up for the next chapter in your life.
To conclude… as with any major change in life you need to rebuild with good foundations and don’t squander any advantages you achieved in your life to date. Male or Female, try your utmost to build slowly, but do so sensibly. Such wise decisions will at some time in the future be appealing to a new partner. Misuse this time and it may come back to slap you in the face.
Mr. P. Booker My Personal Story